Well, this is my first attempt at Flash Fiction (short fiction, normally between 500 to 1000 words). The theme for the Flash Fiction Carnival is “Transform”. I hope you will all take the time to read the other amazing entries here: Flash Fiction Carnival III. Don’t forget to comment! We LOVE comments.
If you choose to comment on this piece, please be kind. I’m a newbie to this genre. (grin)
Laid to Rest
“Come home with me, Sarah. Come back to the city. I’ll help you start again.” Jerry took her hand in his and held it tenderly. He searched her blue eyes for the sister he had known so many years before.
Sarah simply shook her head and looked away.
“Brian is dead, honey. Good and dead, for over a month. It’s time for you to let it all go.”
Sarah’s eyes cut to the door. “I just keep thinking he’s going to walk in. I know he’s gone, Jer. I know it. I must have opened the lid to that casket fifteen times before they lowered it into the hole, just to be sure he was really in there. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I still make him dinner every night. It’s on the table at exactly 6:15, just as always. I’ve made every one of his favorite meals in the last month, and I cry as I throw them away.”
Jerry snorted in disgust. “How can you cry over him Sarah? He was such a bastard.”
Sarah flinched and drew in a hard breath. “Please, Jerry. He wasn’t that bad. He took care of me. He taught me to be a good wife.”
“He taught you with his fists, Sarah. He stripped away everything you loved, and he pushed away everyone who loved you. For God’s sake, you were a prisoner in your own home. He wouldn’t even let you have a phone or a television.”
Sarah straightened her back. A spark of fire blazed in her eyes. “He gave me a simple life, a quiet life. I don’t need friends who spend their time gossiping and judging. I don’t need a phone or a T.V. They do nothing more than bring the world’s drama into a home. They corrupt and distort all that is beautiful in life. I don’t need baubles and trinkets. Brian taught me that the only thing I truly need in my life is a good man with strong morals.”
Jerry leaned forward. “Those are his words, Sarah, not yours. He didn’t love you, he loved controlling you.”
A single tear fell from her eyes. “He did love me, Jerry. You just never understood him.”
Jerry shoved his chair backwards and began to pace the small kitchen.
“He loved you? Then tell me, truthfully. Why did you drop out of college?” he shouted.
“Because Brian didn’t like it. He thought I was getting A’s by sleeping with the professor,” she whispered.
“And why did you tell Mom to forget about you? To pretend that you were dead?”
Sarah began to cry. “Because all she and Brian ever did was fight. She was always criticizing him. I couldn’t stand them always yelling at each other, and at me.”
Jerry knelt down beside her. “And what about that little white dog you loved so much? What happened to her?”
Sarah jerked her head up. “No! That was an accident. That dog hated Brian. She barked and growled at him all the time. He didn’t mean to kick her, but she wouldn’t stop biting him. It wasn’t his fault.”
“Damn it, Sarah! She attacked him because he was beating you. Open your damn eyes and see the truth.”
Sarah crumpled onto the tabletop, her hands covering her face. Her body shook as she sobbed, and her words were broken and strangled. “Oh God, what should I do? I don’t have anything left. How could he die and leave me all alone?”
Jerry wrapped his arms around her shaking frame and held tight. “Shhh, baby. It’s OK. We’ll figure this out. I’ll help you.”
He slowly turned her face to his. “Sarah, look at me.”
Her red-rimmed eyes stared back at him, hopeless and scared.
“This is your life now, sweetheart. Let me help you build it. You can have anything you want. You can be anything you want.”
“Anything I want, Jerry? Really? You won’t be mad?”
Jerry smiled. “No honey, I promise I will never be mad at you.”
“I want a cigarette, Jerry. Just one little cigarette and a glass of wine. Would that be OK?”
Jerry laughed out loud. “We’ll ring in your new life with an entire pack of cigarettes. And we’ll get stinkin’ drunk on wine, too. How does that sound?”
Sarah smiled. “I think that sounds like a very good start, Jerry. A very good start indeed.”
[tags]flash fiction, flash fiction carnival iii, virginia lee, short fiction[/tags]
[dels]flash fiction, flash fiction carnival iii, virginia lee, short fiction[/dels]
December 4th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Nicely done. Very bittersweet.
M
December 6th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Well done! (applauding)
December 9th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Technically, flash can be anything up to 1000 words. The shortest I’ve seen is 6, but it’s quite common to have stories 100 words or fewer.
I really like this take on the theme, I enjoyed the way you showed it unfolding. The only thing I wanted to know is who Jerry is, and how he fits into all this. Otherwise, nice job!
December 9th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Hi Kat, this is not the type of genre I normally go for either but I thought it was well-written and got it’s point across very well. I thought Jerry was her brother.
Cate
December 9th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Yup - Jerry is her brother. I mention it briefly in the opening paragraph.
Thanks for the comments everyone! I really enjoyed writing it. It was my first attempt at Flash Fiction.. but it surely won’t be my last! Too fun!
December 9th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
For a first piece of flash, you’re certainly off to a good start. I hope you stick with it: it can be surprisingly difficult to work with such a small word count, but it’s immensely rewarding.
December 9th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Nice work for your first try. The way Sarah parrots the things Brian had drummed into her head is very telling.
Flash is fun, isn’t it?
I’m new to it, too. I hope you keep at it!
December 9th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
I think you did a very good job unfolding the reality of the character’s psyche and what was really happening in her life. The dialogue was a bit stilted in places - I think the best way to describe it is that it was speechy. I think dialogue is very tricky and when you got it, you nailed it. But you want to watch for the longer passages where it starts to get ponderous. But conceptually, you definitely brought your story to life.
December 10th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Hi Kat, Your characterization of the MC was perfect, it followed the lines of a domestic violent victim perfectly. I liked the even pace and the conclusion, although I had hoped that it would be revealed that she had killed him.
It didn’t seem like a first attempt at the genre, you done good.
December 11th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
OH! Thank you all SO MUCH for the sweet words of encouragement. I was feeling a bit insecure about entering the Carnival. I never think what I do is any good. I need to get over that! LOL
This Carnival has been so much fun. Expect to see more flash fiction from me in the future! Thanks again to all.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Very nice! The dialogue felt a bit rushed in places–take time with the emotional stuff. It didn’t feel wrong, just rushed.
Speaking as someone who was a victim of domestic violence, the ending should perhaps be more hesitant. It ends a little too easy. The chains are laid on far heavier than that…. at that point in her life she would have never accepted wine and cigarettes from someone who wasn’t Brian, even if he was dead. Well. I guess it depends on Jerry’s role throughout the whole thing–obviously he’s in her circle of trust, and in an unusually stable part of it, since such circles come under constant attack from the abuser. You mention that sense of closing in, socially, losing trust and justifying cutting oneself off because people “don’t understand”–that is completely accurate and a very nice touch.
Bravo, and keep on writing!
December 12th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Great work… this may be your first flash fiction but I can tell you are no stranger to writing! I’ve heard rumor of a holiday themed carnival over at Absolute Write. You should check it out!
December 17th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
Hi! This was also my first Flash Fiction Carnival, and I understand the insecurity. I even told Virginia about being really nervous after I sent her the permalink for my story!
This is a well-written story, and I really felt for your MC, plus the ending is quite hopeful.
December 22nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Had you never said it was your first attempt, I never would have known.
I agree with Arachne that the ending came a little too easily. For someone as steeped in propaganda as she was, it would have taken much more to break the stranglehold that her dead husband had on her. I would have liked to see a fuller sense of transformation, perhaps starting the story where her brother offers her the cigarette, or it’s a year later and she’s reflecting on how she once was compared to how she is currently.
Overall, an excellent piece and I hope to see more from you in the future!
December 22nd, 2007 at 6:06 pm
I liked the interaction and the ending. I was wondering if you were going to hint that either character had something to do with Brian’s death, but it was a story of life releasing Sarah. I liked the fact that it was her brother who was there for her after all the estrangement and that he was going to help her break down her walls. Very sweet.
December 26th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
Congratulations on your first flash piece - well done! I like the transformation that happens here, the idea, but I didn’t really buy into how suddenly her feelings changed from the desperately greiving widow to getting lit on wine and cigarettes. I think this would be a great start for something you could flesh out further - lots of potential here.
January 1st, 2008 at 8:36 am
I hate her dead husband. Just on principle. And I’m very very glad he’s dead. If he weren’t, well, I’d have to write another piece of flash fiction just to kill him off.
I agree with other commenters that the ending is too easy. It seems to me that her little rebellion from her husband’s iron rule would start out a lot smaller, a lot more tentative. Perhaps a request for a single puff? I’m not sure…
While this is your first venture into flash fiction, I also agree that that is not at all evident.
You’re a good writer anyway, so no surprise there. 
I’m looking forward to reading more of your fiction. 
May 5th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
[...] Laid to Rest by Kathleen Frassrand at A Thoughtful Life [...]