In a similar vein to my last “thoughtful” post, I want to explore another idea:
The bashing of the husbands.
I have been happily married for over 11 years now. Of course, when I say “happily married”, I certainly don’t mean that we never fight. We do. We have big fights, and small fights. Petty fights over trivial issues, and serious fights over life-changing issues. We are two loving, caring people with our own feelings and ideas. We don’t always fight fair, but we always make up. We try not to argue in front of the children, and we try not to go to bed angry. The truth is, we are human and we make mistakes. The other truth is that we love each other deeply, and we want to be together forever.
No matter how ugly or hurtful our fights may be, no matter how mad I am, I always remember one simple rule: do NOT discuss the arguments outside of the marriage. This goes for friends and even family. When I talk to my mother, I may casually mention a situation in vague generalities, but I certainly never offer up a “blow by blow” account of an argument. I would never, ever, think about venting to a friend about how “rotten my husband is” (which.. by the way.. he isn’t).
My marriage is a sacred union. It is between two people, my husband and myself. If I allow myself to rail and vent about him to other people, I do him a disservice. See, he and I will definitely make up - we always do. We will return to rational thought, look at the situation from the other’s perspective, and draw up a peace-treaty. We will get over our petty hurts, and put each other first again. When I vent to an outside party (even family), they only hear the hurt and anger. They never see the resulting “make-up”. They are not privy to our personal moments. They don’t see the love, care, and devotion that occur daily in our marriage. In the back of their minds, they will always carry the negative words I spewed. They will not forget, and will silently keep “score” of all the wrongs my husband has perpetrated (despite the facts that these “wrongs” were colored by my emotions, not my rational mind).
By sharing hurtful words about our spouses, we reduce their value in other’s eyes. When next I choose to vent, I will have not only the willing ears of friends to hear my cries, but also their willing tongues to remind me of his past transgressions. How can a husband and wife expect to live and love each other when a third party is helping to “keep score”?
So, my rule stands. It doesn’t matter how much I want to vent, I don’t. I have found that I’ve NEVER regretted NOT saying something. Once I cool down and the fight has left me, I realize that the situation was never as one-sided as I thought. I thank my lucky stars that the only person I now have to “eat crow” for is my husband.
I would love to hear your take on it. How do you handle arguments in your home? Do you vent to an outside party? Or do you keep it inside your marriage? Let me know.
** ONE NOTE: I would like to take a moment to clarify that I am NOT talking about situations of emotional or physical abuse. Situations like that are extreme and REQUIRE outside influence. I am speaking ONLY of normal arguing that occurs in all relationships.
[tags]keep arguments inside the marriage, not sharing negative words, marriage, venting, husbands and wives, keeping a marriage safe[/tags]
[dels]keep arguments inside the marriage, not sharing negative words, marriage, venting, husbands and wives, keep a marriage safe[/dels]
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. We certainly did here. It was a busy long weekend, with lots of baking, family and fun. In addition to Turkey Day, we also celebrated my daughters birthdays. (they are exactly 3 years and 1 day apart!!).
I had an interesting conversation this weekend, and wanted to explore it a little more here.
We all know that feelings build and grow over time. I’m not just speaking of love and friendship, but also of dislike, annoyance, and hatred. Something that begins as a minor irritation can explode into an irrational feeling of anger. There are so many ways that we feed our emotional responses. We gripe and bitch about people (read as gossip), we focus on the petty and inconsequential, and we desire to control the responses and actions of others. None of these are healthy reactions, and we should strive to eliminate them from our lives.
Actually doing so is where the real work comes in. You have to identify the emotional triggers.
For me, there is one main catalyst. I allow myself to get sucked into the drama of other people’s lives. I feel for them. I support them. I listen to them. I just can’t find the dividing line between their problems and my life. I feel the need to fix their issues, find their answers, or stand up for them when they are too emotionally beaten down to stand up for themselves. While on paper this may not sound too bad, it becomes obsessive and time consuming. It drains me emotionally and puts me at odds with people who have never had a problem with me. I feel the need to champion the under-dog, and protect my friends.
So, this year I have made a resolution (wait!! I’m early!! It isn’t January yet!). From here on out, I will try to extricate myself from other people’s trouble. I will put the kibosh on the gossip. I will stomp down on the righteous indignation the swells in my breast each time a friend begins her tale of woe. I will be there to love and support my friends and family, but I will not become embroiled in their battles. I will continue to be a sounding board for those in need, but they must brandish their own swords. I will prop them up with my love and devotion, but will not carry them into the fray, nor wave their battle flags.
I will strive to let the little things go — those petty differences that really have no bearing on my life. I will live and let live, as cliched as that sounds. That which does not take place under my roof, will get left at the door. My home will be a drama-free zone (except for the 7-year-old girl drama… that never truly ends).
And now, I would love to hear from you. What are the emotion triggers that pull you in? How do you deal with the battles between friends or family?
I ran across an article today that just about broke my heart. (Click here for CNN article)
Sandra Day O’Connor, upon leaving the Supreme Court, stated her desire to take care of her husband. He has Alzheimher’s.
This disease is heartbreaking on it’s own. The patient slowly (or quickly) forgets the life they have lived. Their spouse, their children, their hopes and dreams, their victories and their defeats all fade beneath an inky veil of blackness. Most are left only with memories of their distant past, occasionally punctuated with moments of clarity. Family members must learn to face a new life. They must care for only the shell of their loved one, for the mind and soul are trapped and inaccessible.
For Sandra Day O’Connor, watching her husband sink into oblivion must have been heartbreaking and terrifying. To watch him slowly forget her and their sons, must indeed have been a wicked blow. But another blow was right behind it. Her husband has found romance in the assisted living facility where he lives. He has a girlfriend, and they are happy. He is in love. Sandra Day O’Connor visits them both, and sits in the room while her husband holds hands with his new love.
I must commend her for supporting the romance. According to the articles I have read, Mrs. O’Connor is pleased that he is at peace. Deep down, I’m sure she must resent the situation. But the joy and peace she sees in her husband’s face is enough for her.
I think that must be the truest definition of love. She is giving the man she loves permission to live in the moment. To have love on the only terms he has left. He can’t remember his life with her, so she allows him to begin again, to fill the time he has with happiness. It is a beautiful testament to the pillar of love.
I can only hope that were I in the same situation, I could overcome the heartbreaking reality of life and give my husband a new chance to live.
Whatever your political leanings, I think most would agree that Mrs. O’Connor has a lot of class.
[tags]sandra day o’connor, alzheimer’s, john o’connor new romance, john o’connor alzheimer’s,[/tags]
[dels]sandra day o’connor, alzheimer’s, john o’connor new romance, john o’connor alzheimer’s[/dels]
Just a quick post today. I thought this was just ADORABLE!! A bride and groom recreated the final dance number in Dirty Dancing. I’d say they did a pretty darn good job of it. Dirty Dancing is one of my all time favorite movies. I think it is a guilty pleasure. I could probably speak every line of that movie! LOL. Anyway - enjoy. (I can’t get it to embed, so I’m just adding a link.. sorry!)
[tags]dirty dancing, dirty dancing at wedding, recreate dirty dancing, first dance to dirty dancing[/tags]
[dels]dirty dancing, dirty dancing at wedding, recreate dirty dancing, first dance to dirty dancing[/dels]