Sometimes it really does hurt to be a mom. And I’m not talking about the actual moment of “becoming” a mom, when you are pushing out a 7lb baby. I’m talking about those moments in life when you know you can’t protect your child from a hurtful thing. Let me try to explain.
My youngest daughter was born with no sight in her left eye. She has a condition called “microphthalmia”. It literally means “little eye”. There is no known cause of it and it isn’t genetic. It just happens. At 3 weeks old, she went in for surgery. There was no hope of restoring vision as the back structures of the eye did not form properly, but they were able to fix some of the issues that were stopping her eye from growing.
I knew that her left eye would always be smaller than her right, but I didn’t know by how much (still don’t, as both eyes are continuing to grow). Children can be cruel, and I knew that she was probably going to be teased in school. I became determined to bring her up with as much self-esteem as possible. I had a bit of help in that department, because God blessed her with the most amazing personality I have ever witnessed. She literally lights up a room. You can’t help but smile when she engages you.
My daughter, at about 5 months old
We are now five years later. My baby with the “little eye” has grown into this amazing child with a will of steel. Through it all, there is one fear that has stayed with me - that one day she will look in the mirror and hate what she sees. Just typing that .. right now.. still makes my breath catch.
Just recently, I’ve had a glimpse of the future. Because she doesn’t wear her glasses to gymnastics, her little eye is quite visible. The other girls on the team told her that her little eye “twitches”… and now my sweet girl is feeling self-conscious. She stares into the mirror and tries to catch her little eye twitching. She asks me over and over, “is my little eye twitching right now?”.
How do you handle this? What can you say to a five year old? How can you build a wall of self-esteem that her peers won’t be able to break down? How can you make her see that she is so much more than just her “little eye”.
I did the only thing I could, for now. I reminded her that even though God gave her a little eye, He also gave her so many other amazing attributes. He blessed her with the ability to bring joy to every person she meets. He honored her with wit and charm and a quick-thinking brain to help her succeed. And, even with her little eye, He blessed her with beauty. Sure, her little eye is different from other people’s eyes, but it doesn’t lessen how beautiful she is.
My daughter at 5 years old
I have a few questions, and a rant.
Why would a 7 year old child need a cell phone?
Do people routinely let their 7 year old children out of their sight? Do 7 year old children get to walk down the street to the library or ride their bike to the mall? Do they hang out with their friends for hours and hours with no parental supervision? These are the only good reason I can come up with of why a 7 year old would need a cell phone. So then the question becomes… WHY are parents letting a young child (and 7 is still quite young) out and about without supervision?
OK, before anyone tells me that life is different in some remote little rural village where there is no crime and only three cars use the one stop light in town each day… I know that. But the majority of places in America aren’t little one-light towns where everyone knows everyone else. Real towns have traffic and strangers, and 7 years old children still need supervision and protection. 7 year old children don’t need the privacy a cell phone ensures them. Parents should still be the major factor in their lives, and should know when they are on the phone and to whom they are speaking. Yes, I’m over-protective. But I’m also determined that my child will know how to handle the situations she encounters out in the real world. And to teach her, I have to be a major factor in her life. That is my job.
Why would a parent take their 11 year old daughter to get her nose pierced? Yes, a little girl from our bus stop just got her nose pierced. I guess her mom figured that by 6th grade her daughter needs to grow up and start getting parts of her body pierced. Her mother drove her to the piercing place. Parents… it is OK to say no! There will be more than enough time for her to put holes in her body, you don’t need to encourage the practice. Sixth grade…. 11 years old… she is still just a young girl. Let her be a child, encourage her to be a child.
And finally…
Why is the 9 year old at the bus stop wearing eye liner? And why did her mother put it on her? And why does the child run around at all hours of the evening by herself? And why does she knock on my door and want to come play, even though her mother has never met me? Does anyone else have a problem with this? Am I over-protective? How can you not know what you children are doing? How can you protect them if you don’t even know where they are or who’s house they enter.
If you can’t tell, I’ve had an interesting two weeks of running into parents that I consider irresponsible. I suddenly don’t wonder why so many of our youth are arrogant, lazy, and rude. I now know why there is a general disregard for authority in our teens. It is because their parents haven’t done their jobs. These children haven’t had any real authority in their lives, they’ve only had general disregard. “Go play somewhere else, I’m busy.”
Children don’t need cell phones, nose rings, or eye-liner - they need guidance and supervision. Keep them protected and naive to situations that are inappropriate. It’s OK for them to take their time growing up. Let them just enjoy the sunshine and the swing set for a little bit longer.
There are times in my life when I handle situations superbly. I nail it. I’ve got the right answer and I’m not afraid to use it. Then.. there are times when I think I’ve handled a situation properly… only to find out later that I am in the running for the Mother of the Year Award (said with tongue firmly in cheek).
This is most definitely the second situation:
My 7-year-old daughter is the sensitive and careful type. She thinks long and hard about what she says… determined not to hurt anyone’s feelings. She is also inquisitive (as are most 7 year olds) and I have always supported and encouraged her questions. I help her dig out answers and apply the knowledge to her life.
About a month ago, she began asking about dwarfs (or little people.. don’t know what is politically correct now…). What is a mom to do? Of course I tried to explain genetic mutations (unsuccessfully). I tried explaining that they were just like us, only looked a bit different. I tried appealing to her sense of empathy and began a discussion on how difficult certain aspects of life must be for dwarfs. All of this simply led to more questions.
So.. I did what any good-intentioned mother does. I programmed my TIVO to record a National Geographic program on dwarfs. Last night, we sat down and watched it as a family. My daughter was fascinated (though the medical parts were over her head). Of course, I initiated a family discussion as soon as the program ended.
Turns out she finally “got it”, and all her questions were answered. She thanked me for finding the program and watching it with her (!). She talked briefly about how difficult things were for little people living in a world built for full-size. She even mentioned that she was glad they were just as smart and caring as we are.
Beaming, I kissed her cheek. I was puffed up and proud. I definitely nailed that one! Score one for Mommy. I had broken down barriers in my child. Another lesson on open-mindedness was successfully completed.
Then… my pesky little girl stood up, got down on her knees and knee-walked out of the room. At the doorway, she turned back…
“Hey mom.. look at me.. I’m a dwarf!”… followed by maniacal laughing.
I deflated. I shook my head and groaned. Then I went to look for a spot on a shelf for my Mother of the Year Award. Sometimes you just can’t win.
[dels]dwarfism, explaining dwarfism to children, mother of the year award[/dels]
[tags]dwarfism, explaining dwarfism to children, mother of the year award[/tags]